It is a sad time in our country today. The streets, by-ways, alleys, lanes, roads, cul-de-sacs, sidewalks, and federally funded highways are crowded with welfare moms followed by three, four, or even six godless children, collecting their food stamps and rent vouchers and wreaking havoc in our investor funded national grocery chains.
With your help, if elected President I will implement a fair, cheap and easy method of making these women and their children useful members of our Republic. I have for many years weighed the value of a welfare mom and her many offspring. I have agonized over the disabled children born of abortion-scarred wombs, and I have lamented the decline of opposite sex marriage, which these women sadly reject though it is their only hope of escaping their scourge.
Today, 31.2 % of female headed households are in poverty. This equates to 25 million households, comprised of not only of 25 million women but at least 55 million children. These 55 million children will be approximately ½ female, who will in turn become breeders themselves, creating another set of nearly 60 million more children to add to the welfare rolls in a very short time.
Some people who are prone to depression will feel great concern about this vast pool of poor women who will age, become diseased or maimed, and then begin to collect Social Security Disability payments. However, as to the young men, they cannot get work and will begin to become malnourished if there can be no government resources left to help them start up their corporations.
But, I digress. As you may have heard, there has been a drought throughout this land, a pestilence which no doubt is the result of God’s great hand and not man’s. There is no corn to feed the ethanol plants, and the many men who toil there edge perilously close to starvation. Without corn to feed the ethanol plants, gasoline prices have spiraled, and supplies are being curtailed. Without gas to put in this great nation’s limos, RVs, yachts, and sport-bikes, our men will not be able to enjoy the fruits of their labors and will begin to balk at having to carry the heavy load of keeping capitalism afloat.
I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not raise any objections from those who are truly God’s Americans. Children born of welfare moms, who on average weigh 12 pounds at birth, and whose weight may nearly double in a year, are a most suitable fuel source. They are high in protein and carry the advantage of possibly being able to be genetically modified. This year’s drought has resulted in a corn shortage of nearly .65 billion bushels. At an average weight of 60 pounds per bushel, this equates to 39 billion pounds.
With 55 million children who at one year of age weigh approximately 23 lbs, 1.3 billion pounds of fuel can be generated, and put together with the weight of an average welfare mom, which I know you will agree is somewhat above the norm, an additional 5.8 billion pounds of replacement corn fuel could become immediately available.
I have reckoned that with the additional federal funds which would become available from the elimination of all welfare programs for poor women and their children, sufficient additional resources would permit the closing of all public schools, and the immediate employment of all school age children as janitors in the ethanol plants of our land which would avert the impending fuel crisis which weighs so heavily upon our men.
I profess in the sincerity of my heart that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. In short, I will delegate this task to my many minions, who will appreciate this gainful employment, whether they be farmers, cottagers, laborers or politicians.
Having been educated in the overfunded and under-performing public school system, 47% of you do not know of irony, satire, or parody. I pray that soon we will also close the public libraries. But if you are diligent, you may someday find a copy of Jonathan Swift’s delightful pamphlet, upon which this meager attempt is based.